Nobody Needs to Be Special: Freeing Ourselves from the Prison of Self-Image

One of the main characteristics of a life lived in a kind of sleep is that we identify completely with a being composed of an "I". Beginning with our name, our history, our self-image and identity, we use each of these things to solidify the concept that we are living in our own small world. We conceive of ourselves as ‘’special’’ not in the sense of being different or exceptional, but in the sense of feeling unique, separate, and important. Curiously, our feeling of being special is not only about having positive qualities; we can even use our suffering to make ourselves feel unique and special. Yet not needing to be special, not having to be any particular way, is what it means to be free; free to experience our natural existence, our most authentic "I".

For instance, we all carry images of ourselves unconsciously throughout our waking hours. Our self-images are concepts or pictures of how we see ourselves. We might have a self-image of being good, competent, or deep; or we might have a negative self-image, seeing ourselves as weak, stupid, or worthless. Usually we try to focus on our positive self-images and also guide our external life to portray ourselves in the most favorable way. We live driven by pride in being seen a certain way, mostly to gain approval from people whose opinions we consider important. Whether it is our clothes, our hair, or our body, our approval radar is constantly running, most of the time unconsciously. This is even true for the car we drive. When we sit behind the wheel, whether it is a Cadillac, a hybrid, or a pickup truck, we define who we are to ourselves and to others, and usually we are completely identified with that image.

Much of our life is spent trying to live from self-images, and we rarely have the willingness to look at them honestly. In fact, it is very difficult to be honest with ourselves, especially when we simultaneously hold positive and negative self-images and cannot perceive our own inconsistencies. This happens because we all use blinders, a psychological defense that prevents one part of us from seeing another part. For example, if we want to see ourselves as good, we will ignore all our selfish or harmful acts. Or if we begin to see ourselves as worthless, we ignore all our positive actions. This is more common than we think.

Closely related to our self-images are our identities, how we define ourselves according to the roles we play in life or in society, such as being a mother, a businessperson, a meditator, an athlete, and so on. The identities we assume do not need to make sense. For example, even though I have written five books and have numerous articles published, I do not identify as a writer. And more strangely, even though I have been severely limited in my physical activities for more than twenty years due to a chronic immune condition, I still see myself as an athlete. Really, it does not matter which of our identities make sense; what matters is how attached we are to them in our need to define ourselves.

Our self-images and identities become part and parcel of the stories we weave about ourselves. Almost always these stories are distorted versions of reality about who we really are or how we are feeling, our history, our victimizations, why we are angry, and so on. We know we are trapped in a story when we tell ourselves, “I am useless,” or “I am depressed,” or “People should like me.” We are clearly caught in stories when we say, “I am this way because...” and blame someone, our parents for example, or something that happened to us. We can also recognize we are wrapped up in one of our stories when we think, “I am the type of person who...” or “I am not the type of person who...” For example, “I am the type of person who has to be alone” or “I am not the type of person who can be disciplined.” The point is, most of our stories are self-deceptions generated from only one side of the truth, only the side we saw and felt at that particular moment. But living from these stories and events only takes us away from living a more authentic life.

Another example of living from stories is holding onto our beliefs, many of which are merely illusions. For example, many of us have the belief that we are in control or that we can be in control. We maintain this behavior because the fear of losing control is one of our greatest fears. Even when we see all the evidence against us, we continue living our routine illusion of being in the driver's seat. In fact, many of our personas are based purely on these illusions. One case worth mentioning is the belief that if we keep the behavior of pleasing others, we will avoid their disapproval. Or if we keep trying harder, we will lead our life as we have planned. The point is, each belief we sustain, like the illusion of control or certain behaviors, ends up defining and limiting us in so many ways that we cannot even perceive them.

Another universal illusion is the belief that what we ‘know’ is ‘The Truth’. We believe blindly in our thoughts and opinions, usually without even questioning them, forgetting how relative, flawed, and limited they are. When we have an opinion about someone or something, we hardly consider that it is only an opinion. The illusion, or self-deception, is that we believe we are seeing purely ‘The Truth’. Even though it seems insane to guide ourselves only by our thoughts, we do it all the time. We believe blindly in what we want to believe, most of the time without even considering other possibilities. Since we can clearly deceive ourselves about anything, practicing and seeking honest self-observation is a method for living free from illusions, particularly the illusions that dictate and rule our life in a certain way.

Perhaps the most relevant and profound story we tell ourselves is that we are a unique and permanent Being. When simple observation shows us that we are a collection of various "selves" and personas. Which "self" predominates depends on which self-image or identity we cling to at that moment, combined with other beliefs and habits we are maintaining. Our mood also determines how we see things; if we are in a good mood, certain people might seem nice, but if our mood is not good, those same people can be quite irritating. Or a more tangible example: we might see ourselves as reliable and fair, and be convinced that we will never again take certain actions, like drinking or eating too much. But two hours later, we might catch ourselves doing exactly what we had sworn never to do again. These are versions of the "self" that are not in contact with each other, showing us that our psychological blinders are more active and present than we think.

With these and so many other examples that we live with every day, how can we continue to believe the story that we are a unique and unchangeable Being? In fact, the entire notion that what we are is just some limited stories of an "I" is perhaps the greatest illusion that spiritual practice points to. This is why one of the deepest teachings is that we do not need to be anybody special. In other words, being internally free means not living as hostages to self-images and identities; we should not feel obligated to be a certain way about things; we should not be guided by the stories we tell ourselves, stories that dictate who we are and how we should live.

To experience the freedom of living a more authentic life, it is absolutely necessary that we abandon our stories and illusions. This is not easy to do, but it helps us experience what it is like to live more authentically. First, living authentically means living with honesty, being willing to see our own illusions and mistakes; questioning our self-images and identities; examining the stories we weave about ourselves, including stories about our past and who we are. Many of our convictions, ideals, and ‘shoulds’ are merely mental constructions born from our conditioning. Do we have the courage to see things as they really are? Can we find the freedom to stop looking at old stories as foundations?

We need to see how our identities, convictions, and stories shape and sustain our sense of purpose and importance that makes us feel differentiated and special. We rely on these props to feel solid and secure. When we lose some of these pieces, like losing a job or ending a relationship, we naturally go through distress. Without our supporting framework, we are left alone with ourselves, which is an unsettling scenario. So we try to fill our life with business and tasks, as well as distractions and entertainment, to make sure we are never alone with ourselves. We do not want to feel the emptiness. Some people experience this even when they have no plans for their day. When they wake up, instead of having relaxing and positive thoughts, there is only a sense of loss: “Who am I going to be? What am I going to do?” This shows that the gift of being at peace with oneself is not being cultivated.

When we see through our identities, self-images, and illusions, we become increasingly free from them conditioning our lives. This is what it means, in part, to live authentically, not to be led by deceptions and illusions. But to be free of this, we first have to be able to see them with clarity and precision. This requires that we be completely open with our life; willing to face things we never wanted to face. This includes our fears of rejection and worthlessness and our uncertainties. Being open, being present, allows us to stop living asleep through life seeking comfort or approval, the chance to stop living with the illusion that our time is infinite.

If we aspire to live more authentically, it is important not to aim for unrealistic goals, like the ideal that we should always be present or that we should be able to abandon all our self-images. That would be a simplistic moral position. A healthier position would be to try to live more honestly and more awake. And also to be kinder to ourselves when we fail, such as when we do not look at ourselves with proper honesty, when we waste time instead of meditating, or when we blame and become irritated with others for our problems and bad moods. Feeling guilty when we slip is unnecessary and will not help us at all. What can help is occasionally feeling remorse for not living with our true heart and mind, for going in the opposite direction of our aspiration to live more awake.

Along the path of practice, we stop living from our self-image and our many stories and begin to live more from our deeper values and our more authentic self. When I think of the teachers I have had and most admired, the values that stand out are honesty in looking at life; not accepting complacency; living with presence, tranquility, and inner strength; and living with appreciation and kindness, all of which contribute to true contentment. What hinders the development of our authentic self is the insistence on labeling ourselves and identifying with the small "selves" simply to feel special or differentiated in some way.

Abandoning our labels with the small "selves" requires courage, because we have to free ourselves from the complacency of the known. A student once told me how attached she was to her vanity, to the point where she constantly thought about what she would wear and how she would look. I suggested she have a ‘bad hair week’, in which she would, consciously and on purpose, make her hair not look nice and neat, precisely to help her free herself from what others think. She had quite a bit of resistance to the idea, but after trying it a few times she found it so liberating that she began to do it occasionally with her clothes too, not dressing as well on certain days. Not needing to act or look a certain way gives us a taste of the freedom of not having to be anybody special.

I remember when one of my daughters became excited about getting dressed, she was around five years old at the time. She would put on four or five of her favorite outfits all at once, one on top of the other, so that you could see parts of all the clothes. The problem, from the perspective of my small mind, was that she looked very strange, and I felt a bit embarrassed. But she was so animated about her appearance that I began to look at her differently, and I realized she had created her own aesthetic, which was quite pleasing. The point is, in a very simple way, she was living authentically, not according to conventions about how she should dress, but according to her own awareness. What is sad is that we lose this way of thinking as we get older and increasingly want to adapt and look ‘right’. Our self-images become our masters.

One of my favorite aphorisms says, “Abandoning our facades, our identities, our stories, what remains? Only being.”

This becomes more difficult when we get closer to home and to our foundations. An example is John Lennon's song “Imagine”: “Imagine there are no countries.../ Nothing to kill or die for / And no religion too.” He was describing the freedom of abandoning our beliefs, even those we hold as most certain, like our nationality and religious views. Or our most cultivated facades and self-images. Or the stories we carry as ‘the truth’, such as “I need someone to take care of me,” or “Life is very difficult,” or “I am useless.” An excellent question to ask ourselves is, “Who would I be without this story? Without this belief? Without this identity? Without this fear?” The question requires courage, because we have to look beyond the security of the known and familiar. Living only from that security is dangerous for anyone who wants to live an authentic life.

Honesty and precision are also necessary requirements for seeing ourselves deeply, because we end up identifying with these views, stories, and self-images as indisputable truths. These things act as a barrier to us living our most natural state, our most authentic "I". This is why so much emphasis is placed on objective self-observation. Especially when we are feeling quite uncomfortable, we should ask ourselves, “What is the thought I am most believing in right now?” As soon as we see the thought clearly, our identification with a certain emotional state begins to fade. To further reduce these deceptive identifications, we can label our experiences and make them more objective. For example, if we see ourselves as hurt or afraid in some way, instead of thinking “I am bad” or “I am afraid,” we can think “There is pain” or “There is fear.” This way we are no longer associating an “I” with pain or fear. We can use this technique even with physical discomfort. Instead of saying “I have a headache” or “My back hurts,” we can say “There is pain.” By using this simple approach, we begin to free ourselves from the intense identification we associate with our emotions and even with our body. Sometimes, simply repeating “Not being anybody special” can help us break these identifications with any emotion or story we are attached to.

Once we have examined our thoughts, to free ourselves even more completely we must bring mindfulness to the sensation of how we physically react to a state of attachment to the "I". We ask ourselves, “What is this?” or “What is this experience?” Then we focus like a laser on that subjective experience of living from the narrow perspective of “I, I, I.” What is it like to feel, in a very specific way, when we are under that belief? What is it like to feel when we are attached to that self-image or an emotion?

When we do this repeatedly, the concept of who we are, tied to so many other stories, loses all its weight. A transformation occurs from our personas to a more alive and authentic experience of reality. When we bring awareness and questioning to our self-images, they begin to lose their power over us. Not feeling special or not trying to differentiate ourselves means we are increasingly closer to being at peace with our own existence. That is, no longer feeling the internal compulsion to see ourselves or be seen in a certain way. The result is humility in its purest form, not being anybody special.

Being nobody special means we are free from the psychological illusion of ‘I am This Way’. We no longer see ourselves as a unique and separate being from the world around us. If we do not cling to particular opinions or views, or the traumas and stories of the past that we use to define our "I", what is left? Presence. Being in its purest form. This gives us the experience of being our most authentic self, with the inner wisdom that we are being. Being ourselves, far beyond our self-images, our stories, and our body.

We can begin to relate to and recognize the clouds of the "self" as merely clouds. We do not need to try to stop the clouds or our thoughts. They do not go away, but there is a vast difference between identifying with the clouds and identifying with the vast sky in which the clouds eventually appear. Identifying with the presence of simply being, instead of identifying with the countless images and identities we have, is like identifying with the sky, and being aware that the clouds come and go. When our awareness expands, our connection with life becomes perceptible and becomes more than a simple intellectual understanding.

Originally published in English on Tricycle magazine's website.