A Mindfulness Practice You Can Try Today: Letting Go

The observation that we are not the "self" we believe ourselves to be has been at the heart of mindfulness teachings for thousands of years. While we tend to see ourselves as solid, fixed entities under the control of some central command, careful investigation reveals there is no such thing we can categorically call a "self," at least not in terms of an independent, unchanging identity. It is not that we do not exist, but rather that we do not exist in the way we habitually imagine ourselves to.

People often discover this in a mindfulness course when they realize that "thoughts are not facts." When we see that automatic thoughts, usually with a negative bias, arise constantly in our minds without our conscious permission, we begin to understand that what we call the "self" is more like a collection of tendencies, some more and some less under our direction. All of these tendencies are continuously in process, subtly shifting form all the time.

If we can accept that we are not independent, fixed, separate selves, what are the implications? First of all, it means we are not in complete control. No matter how hard we try, we cannot control our bodies so they do not age or become ill, and we cannot simply decide to be happy under any circumstance, or prevent unwanted sensations or thoughts. We are also not in charge of our environment: from unpleasant weather to people we find difficult, there are aspects of our world, both internal and external, that we simply cannot alter. By accepting this, we can stop fighting some of the inevitable parts of life that we do not like so much. We can stop taking them so personally.

It is also an opportunity for compassion: we can recognize that we are not solely responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, which are all the result of a vast array of causes and conditions in our bodies, brains, minds, and environment. We can stop blaming ourselves, acknowledging that the situations in our lives were not always freely and completely chosen. We can soften toward ourselves, and seeing that the same is true for others, we can soften toward them as well, even when they do things we disagree with or do not like.

At the same time, we can recognize that we are not completely stuck. If we are a variety of processes changing rather than a single, solid entity, that does not mean that just because things are difficult, we are fundamentally broken. No matter what our problems are, there is room to maneuver. Our brains can change, our bodies can change, our minds can change, and our lives can change. No matter what is happening in this exact moment, pleasant or unpleasant, we can be certain that it is on its way to becoming something else.

Accepting that situations are not as fixed or as simple as we imagine can make them feel more workable, even in the midst of a great challenge. By appreciating that there are many facets to any circumstance, we can begin to see where room for maneuver exists, where we have some capacity to act in ways that bring about skillful change. We can also see more clearly when it is time to let things rest. By touching awareness, recognizing where the points of choice lie, we can use our energy effectively.

Solidifying our moment-to-moment experience into "selfhood" is a powerful habit. It is not easy to see through it, and this is an aspect of mindfulness that is often left out, perhaps because it is too difficult to understand or too challenging. Yet traditionally, it is also the key to freedom from stress, which is why I included a chapter in the book Mindfulness: How To Live Well By Paying Attention, from which part of this blog post was adapted.

When we stop trying to hold onto ourselves or anything else, we actually become free to live in peace. Meditation is one of the best ways to practice this. When we meditate, we notice how thoughts, sensations, and events are in flux. We practice letting go. Instead of getting caught up in ourselves and treating each change as a personal affront, we learn to live more lightly. And as the Thai meditation teacher Achaan Chah puts it: "If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness. And if you let go completely, you will be free."

Originally published at mindful.org