The Power of Solitude

Most of us are afraid of being alone.

I’m not talking about your phone or Wi-Fi. When was the last time you were alone and didn’t try to sweeten, avoid, or overwhelm the moment? Did you feel afraid, anxious, or hungry for something more?

We are flooded with studies telling us that we need each other to survive and be happy. And it’s true, we do. But when we lose the ability to be alone with ourselves, our overstimulated nervous systems have nowhere to rest and recharge. Self-imposed solitude triggered by social anxiety, schizophrenia, or other psychological disorders can pose a health risk, says psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Mary V. Seeman in a review published in 2016 in the journal Psychosis. “But,” she writes, “solitude can also provide benefits such as recovery of a sense of self, renewal of harmony with nature, an escape from sensory overload, stimulation of creativity, or awakening to spirituality.”

Mindfulness helps cultivate this beneficial solitude, which carries psychological and physiological advantages. When we practice anchoring our attention to a single focus, like the breath, the body and nervous system move away from operating in relentless states of high stress. Without cortisol and adrenaline flooding your system, you won’t be in maximum alert mode, and your body will have better conditions to relax. In this more peaceful state, you can enjoy a slower pace to look around and experience a wider range of life. You are able to let go, to stop fearing solitude, which means you are no longer seeking ways to push that fear away. You can begin to enjoy what it feels like to be with yourself and feel calm. And as you learn to be alone, you can also learn to be courageous and honest with things as they are right now. If you can cultivate your capacity to be well while alone, you may come to realize that you can create all the conditions necessary to be content with yourself and your life.

Sometimes the unfamiliarity of being alone can feel strange, painful, or simply wrong. You might feel like Groucho Marx, who said he didn’t want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. The thought of befriending yourself might seem weak or foolish. That is just another form of fear, and fear has many faces.

Spend enough time alone and you will notice that all kinds of thoughts arise and disappear. Hateful thoughts. Painful thoughts. Fearful thoughts. Our mind is skilled at taking information and weaving it into a story. One of those stories is that being alone is so terrifying that anything else is preferable.

That is where time and patience come in. When you first approach this idea, it is natural to feel the same indifference or hesitation you experience in any new relationship, so go slowly. As you train your capacity to be alone, without suspicion or contempt, you can begin to relax. Spending more time with yourself increases your ability to recognize the forces at play in your life. When you think about being alone, what do you feel? Are you holding your breath? Are you tightening your stomach, right now, or your jaw? What emotions are being triggered by your solitary film? There is nothing wrong with having these feelings, and you don’t need to like them either.

The next time the tightness of solitude commands your attention, let that feeling be your cue: first, breathe; develop an attitude of kindness and gentleness. Be present for what you are feeling. Support yourself in your sadness, your pain, your joy. Allow yourself to be shy as you gently come to know yourself. There is nothing to fear when you come to yourself with an understanding heart. Give yourself the freedom to discover how unsolitary being alone can be.

Originally published at Mindful