Survival of the Kindest

Compassion is the feeling that arises naturally when you learn about another person's suffering. And it motivates you to want to do something to help. Far from being merely social politeness, compassion serves a profound evolutionary purpose: human offspring are the most dependent and vulnerable of any species and require more care from others to survive. This total dependence, Charles Darwin said, is why sympathy is humanity's strongest instinct. Put simply: without compassion, we would not survive.

If you feel less moved than you would like, or perhaps your empathy muscle has grown a bit weak from disuse, here are some ways to strengthen it. You and all other living beings will benefit from the results.

1. See beyond the rough exterior
When someone acts unpleasantly or is simply difficult to deal with, it is not easy to feel compassion. But there is almost always a reason for that behavior. If we can pause and try to recognize it, our heart can soften and create an opening for the possibility of greater connection and healing. Is there a "difficult personality" in your life that you might try to see in a different light?

2. Create cascading effects
It turns out that kindness and generosity are contagious. A 2010 study found that when we witness generosity, it inspires us to be more generous ourselves. In fact, researchers discovered that the cascading effect of this kindness spreads across three degrees of separation. Acting compassionately does the same thing. Where can you spread kindness today?

3. One thing a day
Look around and notice who in your life is going through a difficult time and could use some support. The gesture can be large, like bringing a meal to someone who is ill, or relatively small, like sending an email or a note to let someone know you are thinking of them. Start the practice of doing one thing each day for another person.

4. Try to understand
Often our disconnection results from a lack of understanding. Yet making an effort to understand where a person is coming from naturally brings forth feelings of compassion and connection. This does not excuse bad behavior, but it gives us perspective and helps us not take things so personally.

5. Practice gratitude
Most of us have been on the receiving end of kind and compassionate gestures at some point in our lives; an introduction that led to a new job; a compliment or kind word at just the right moment; an unexpected gift. Take a few moments to recall one of these experiences and see if you can tap into the gratitude you felt then, and perhaps still feel.

6. Be kind to yourself
Sometimes it is easier to feel compassion for another person than for yourself. But true compassion does not discriminate. The next time you are going through a difficult moment, see if you can offer yourself some kindness. You may be surprised at how much it helps, and how it helps you feel gentler toward others as well.

7. Celebrate imperfection
One of the most corrosive sources of self-criticism comes from the belief that we need to be “perfect”. Far from making us “better”, this attitude can lead us into obsessive thinking, anxiety, and depression. Try this: if you make a mistake or are not perfect at something, raise your arms and shout “Hooray” or “Woo-hoo!”. Adopting a more playful approach to life is a powerful act of self-compassion. You train your brain to let go, learn from mistakes, and simply begin again.

8. Just what the doctor ordered
Research shows that feeling compassion is good for us. It causes heart rate to decrease, making us more relaxed and calm; it leads to the release of oxytocin, the “connection hormone”, which helps us feel more connected and loving toward others; and it activates regions of the brain linked to empathy, care, and pleasure.

9. Reach out and touch someone
In 2006, James Coan, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Virginia, found that holding the hand of a loved one significantly reduces the brain's reactivity to electrical shocks. When a loved one is struggling, see if there is no harm in giving them a hug or holding their hand. If you are the one struggling, notice what happens when you place your hands on your heart or stomach.

10. Happier genes
Researchers have found that people who actively practice compassion and altruism have lower levels of inflammatory gene expression and higher expression of antiviral and antibody genes than people who live for greater self-gratification or pleasure. “Doing good” and “feeling good” may be different things, but through “doing good” you can have both.

11. Know your self-criticism
You probably have the same self-destructive stories, the same criticisms repeated over and over. Make a “Top 10 Hit List” of self-critical thoughts. As you notice them arise (as they inevitably will), recognize: “Ah, there you are. I was wondering when you would show up.” Then take a deep breath and say: “May I be free from being so hard on myself, may all people be free from being so hard on themselves, may we all live with ease.”

A simple advice box
Transform values into verbs

When asked what they value most in the world, people often say things like “peace”, “compassion”, or “connection”. But to make these real, we have to transform these values into verbs, making them more specific and practical. If you value compassion, what does that look like in your daily life? Take a piece of paper, write “Compassion” at the top, and create a list of actions, small to large, that you can start doing right away. This is how we live out Gandhi's words: “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Originally published at Mindful