How Can Some People Be Kind Yet Actively Cause Harm?

Question: Some traditions emphasize compassion for others, trying to reach the “vulnerable point” in their hearts to communicate with them. Yet recently in my own life, I've noticed that there are people who do not wish me well and, in fact, actively seek to harm me in some way. Dishonest and manipulative people exist, and being in their presence can be truly toxic. I have actually experienced real physical symptoms of illness and weakness when I'm around such people for extended periods. Is it always permissible to stop trying to connect with this kind of person and simply withdraw as much as possible from their negative influence?

Geshe Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche: In answering your question, it's important to address the human tendency to think that some people are inherently bad. There are cases in history where many people agreed that a certain person was evil. Through our agreement, we reinforce the view that truly evil people exist, but it's important to realize that a person and their actions are always related to relative causes and conditions, and that no person is inherently bad.

A fundamental view of these traditions is that all beings are inherently kind. So we must hold this possibility in our minds, this space to recognize the other as good. We need to understand that while a person may seem bad or false to us, in another circumstance, or to another person, that same person might be loving, good-humored, or supportive. There is always a possibility of kindness. Knowing that kindness is possible in all beings sustains an open heart within ourselves.

With this as our view, it then becomes necessary to look at your specific circumstances. You can recognize that for you a certain relationship is not going well, and then you ask yourself: “Should I avoid this person or should I work on this relationship?”

Consider the analogy of the flame and the wind. If you are a flame, a candle, and you are stronger than the wind, the wind can help you grow. If you are weaker than the wind, that wind will extinguish your light. The strength of that wind is not a helpful condition for you, and therefore you need protection from that wind or should avoid it altogether.

When you make the decision to avoid another person, it's important to realize that this is a matter of your own strength and not the inherent evil of the other. If you say, “Well, I recognize that it's possible this relationship could have another path, but given our histories, or our history, or the strength of the emotions that arise, this isn't happening,” you are still leaving space within yourself for that person's kindness to exist, even if right now you don't find it possible to meet that other person in that space of kindness.

In the end, it's important to realize that we are never really talking about others; we are always talking about ourselves. If you think in terms of black and white, good and evil, you are not working well with yourself; you are closing something off within yourself. So while you must be honest and deal with each situation according to your capacity, which includes avoiding situations that cause you harm, always recognize the space within you that acknowledges the possibility that kindness exists in everyone. This space within you can never be destroyed, and if nurtured it will mature as your awakened mind. However, this space within you can be obscured by fear and black-and-white thinking. That is the enemy to be avoided.

Zenkei Blanche Hartman: In fact, the teachings emphasize compassion for all beings, as well as the wisdom of non-self, as attributes of an awakened being. However, I have never seen compassion described as “trying to reach the ‘vulnerable point’ in others' hearts to communicate with them.”

Master Sheng Yen said: “Compassion is not sympathy, compassion has no fixed recipients, and compassion has no goal. Compassion is benefiting all sentient beings impartially in the right way.”

From what I understand of this teaching, if we are not clinging to self, and if we are impartially compassionate, literally “with the suffering,” we will intuit “the right way,” necessary in this particular circumstance to benefit this particular being. This can happen because we are truly one with all beings, and if we experience this non-separation when we are with this being's suffering, we will know what to offer that can truly be beneficial. Compassion can be described as meeting each being in each moment with the question: “How can I help?”

We meditation practitioners are constantly working with the limits of our ego or sense of self in the world. The great teacher Dogen Zenji said: “To study the dharma is to study the self.” This work is how we come to know the nature of ego, which is essentially a reactive phenomenon. Reactivity is simply that: a result of our feeling some kind of impact, whether internal or external. In extreme cases, when we feel overwhelmed and don't know how to act, there is nothing wrong with stepping back, withdrawing, and letting feelings, thoughts, and body settle. The whole process can be examined in silence. It is not necessary that you connect with everyone you know, nor should you feel that this is a condition of your practice. You are completely free to choose whom you wish to spend your time with. What you are describing, however, is a particularly painful situation. A spiritual friend can be of great benefit in helping you explore these questions more deeply.

Narayan Helen Liebenson: What is needed in the situation you describe is genuine compassion combined with wisdom. Remaining in an unhealthy situation is not wisdom. An example would be an abusive marriage: using the dharma as a reason to stay in such a situation is mistaken. That is false equanimity. Cooperating with another person's unskillful actions will not benefit you or the other person.

Everyone has a kind nature, but for some, that nature is quite obscured. Deviant and manipulative qualities certainly exist. Pretending otherwise is naive. Our intention is to awaken, not to be naive or foolish. Self-knowledge includes being able to discern when something or someone might be harmful to us. However, due to our conditioning, this can be difficult; perhaps we need to experience a kind of awakening to learn how to protect ourselves.

The Buddha, recognizing how easily we are influenced by others, said that we should spend more time with those who have the qualities we want to develop: so if we seek to learn patience, be with patient people. If we want to cultivate wisdom, be with those who are wise.

Of course, this does not mean judging or distancing ourselves from those we perceive as lacking the qualities we admire. Nor do we want to delude ourselves into thinking that our happiness rests in the hands of those who possess these admirable qualities. If we think that another person can make us happy or unhappy, we are deluded.

Skillful avoidance is one of the four types of wise effort. For example, if the difficulty is at work, we can look for a new job. Since our choice of friends is within our control, we can choose to spend time with different friends. With family, perhaps it's better to take a break, with the commitment to return when we feel stronger.

Please remember, however, that the intention with which we take action is of the greatest importance. If we break contact with someone out of aversion, the result will be a greater degree of aversion, suffering, and contraction. If our actions come from wisdom, the result is more wisdom, clarity, and compassion.

Every relationship tests our limits. It is important to know these limits if we wish to remain inwardly free even in the face of provocation. We can leave physical contact with those we find toxic, but discover that we are still intimately in contact because of our negative thoughts and emotions. So leaving outer contact does not negate the need for inner work.

One of life's most difficult tasks is to take complete responsibility for each reaction we have, without blaming ourselves for the fact that reactions arise. The inner work is learning to love all beings unconditionally. This is very difficult.

As the Hindu guru Neem Karoli Baba said, “Do not throw anyone out of your heart.” Sometimes the only way we can continue loving is to leave contact with particular beings. Sometimes the best and wisest thing to do is to send loving-kindness from a distance. But we still need to do the inner work at some point in our lives, otherwise the cost to our hearts is very high.

Originally published at Lions Roar