The Importance of Freedom and Commitment in Intimate Relationships

When we look at the full spectrum of emotions we are capable of feeling; passion, anger, jealousy, aggression, anxiety, fear and so on; the one that stands out and marks our lives completely is desire. There is nothing new in this. This human world we live in was called the “realm of desires” by the ancients in Asia, including Buddha Shakyamuni, because desire was seen as our fundamental emotion. Since Freud, Western psychologists have also recognized the central role of desire in human life. Freud even saw it as the “primary drive” behind our behaviors.

But what is this “desire” that is so problematic? It is the basic feeling of wanting, of yearning or of longing for something, whether we can name it or not. And this “wanting” can be very strong. Look at the advertisements on TV and in magazines. Everything, from food to cars to beers to antihistamines, is trying to tell us that this product can satisfy us more than that other one. Its beauty, its flavor and its power become ours when we connect to them. Because of desire, we find an entire world of pleasure and pain, of romance and disillusionment that we cannot fully control.

Our desire might be to help others, or to create something of transcendent beauty, or to experience communion with God. It might be the desire to simply find perfect love in our lives. Or we might desire success, fame and fortune; these are the most common. Whatever it is, in its purest form, this desire in itself is neither positive nor negative. Yes, it can become both, depending on how we work with it. The Buddha taught us that desire, and its closest and most popular relative, passion, can help us wake up to life and experience more freedom and joy, or it can lead us to even greater suffering and sadness.

When desire and passion run wild, our happiness evaporates and we can become envious, possessive, angry or fearful creatures. And even when these desires are tied to our noblest beliefs, they can still cause widespread suffering. What war was not conducted in the name of honor and justice? The flip side of the coin is that our desires and passions are also the source of many of the joys and happiness we find in the world. The love we feel toward another person and the pleasure we take in it, as well as the compassion we feel for all beings, also come from this same fundamental feeling of desire.

So it really is in our hands; the way we deal with our desire determines whether it will bring us happiness and joy or pain and suffering. And of course, the way we deal with it has much to do with our habitual patterns. It is very important to pay attention to our thinking and our habitual tendencies around desire.

If, in our intimate relationships, we tend to exaggerate or amplify our desire until we become obsessed, possessive, full of compulsions, then we will certainly be led by the neurotic side of our emotions. Our life will be like a roller coaster ride, with lots of screaming and ups and downs. But unlike a regular roller coaster, the ride of neurotic desire just goes on without end, and it is possible to keep screaming forever. This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship. In general, bringing this kind of neurotic desire to the table is the recipe for an unhealthy relationship. In the end, it does not matter who you are; man, woman, straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, Black or white, it makes no difference. It is not about these questions. It is about how you work with your mind.

In any close, loving relationship, we need to find the right balance between personal freedom and commitment. When two partners can be together in a way where both can respect each other's individual space, and at the same time express unequivocal commitment, then both sides can relax into being who they are. And how does this work? You could say that half of each partner belongs to the other. When the two halves come together, they form one whole person; we call this a relationship or family. Still, there are two other halves left out. Your partner may have joined you, but he or she still possesses that other half that is not connected to you. This other half might include different religious beliefs, social activities, favorite hobbies or sports and TV shows.

Perhaps the other half of your partner likes to watch old episodes of “Will & Grace,” and you simply cannot stand watching this show. You should respect your partner's freedom, his or her needs and preferences of that other half. Still, at the same time, the two halves that have come together are clearly united, and so each of them has some responsibility for the health of the relationship and for the well-being and happiness of the other person. It is not as if you are completely free to do whatever you want. You have a certain responsibility toward the half of your partner that is with you, but you do not need to try to control and change the other half that is not.

So we need some balance between autonomy and commitment, between individual space and shared bonds. Commitment is very good, because it helps us not go crazy, not lose all sense of self-discipline or mindfulness of our speech or our actions. But respecting individual space is also very important. Otherwise, we become possessive and controlling, which is not healthy. If the relationship is too restrictive, both partners feel suffocated. But if it is completely loose and there is no sense of commitment or discipline, no awareness of common ground, then there is no real heart-to-heart connection. And that is what a relationship is about: a heart-to-heart exchange.

The key to working skillfully with desire in intimate relationships is to develop mindfulness with regard to our emotional patterns; particularly in the way we deal with the many manifestations of our desire.

Am I aware of how I react when I feel abandoned or jealous, or how predictable I become when I am disappointed? Do I feel angry or needy? Or do I start plotting emotional revenge? What helps me stay open? What triggers my sense of generosity and forgiveness? If we cannot even see how our emotional habits are manifesting from moment to moment, we do not have much hope of transforming them or developing a healthier emotional life.

With mindfulness, we do not need to renounce or run away from our emotions. What we want to do is develop an honest and direct relationship with them. In the same way, we want to see them for what they are. Bringing a moment or two of mindfulness to a situation that is about to pull us under can “save” us from going on another ride on that roller coaster. And by developing a strong habit of mindfulness, it can help us keep our emotional life properly balanced. Finding this balance in our intimate relationships can be the path to a more joyful and illuminated existence. When you look into any attraction searching for its source of power, desire is there; and the most illuminated and irresistible form of desire is joy.

Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche's new book, titled “Emotional Rescue,” will be released in August in Brazil. To learn more about this release, you can click this link to the Lúcida Letra publisher's website.

This article was originally published at huffingtonpost.com