Cooling the Raging Fires of Anger

Not long ago I was with a loved one who lay in an ICU bed. I was certainly gripped by shock, fear, and worry. But I also noticed how easily these feelings, and the thoughts that came with them, transformed into anger. It projected itself onto anything within my field of attention, from the medical staff to the machines to myself. I felt angry even at the person in front of me, the one who needed critical care.

Fortunately, my loved one survived the health crisis. In the days that followed, my experience in that ICU led me to reflect again on the nature of anger; to become more acutely aware of the anger that exists in me and in others.

Anger causes tremendous suffering in our personal relationships and in society. Its effects range from small quarrels with our spouses to wars between nations. Our anger generates suffering for others, usually those we love most, and in turn, their anger generates suffering in us. Anger and the wounds it causes reverberate through our lives.

In my life and work, I've come to understand that there is no quick fix or instant remedy for anger. But I've learned that the practice of mindfulness can help us calm the anger we feel and protect us from being swept away by words and actions we later regret.

When I was in the ICU, I felt fortunate that mindfulness practice had helped me recognize my anger. It allowed me to stay present, with compassion for all the suffering happening there, rather than lashing out at some perceived negligence or injustice. Mindfulness illuminated the thoughts about grief and vulnerability that the situation stirred in me. It helped me see that beneath my anger I was gripped by fear of losing this person I loved. That was what fueled my anger.

What are the causes and conditions that evoke and strengthen anger? What are the skillful ways to work with anger once it arises? How can mindfulness practice and other meditations help?

Some scientists say that humans evolved successfully in part because we possess strong emotions, including what are called “negative emotions” like anger, anxiety, and sadness. They protect us because they function as a kind of alarm, alerting us when something is wrong. They tell us we may be in danger and therefore need to do something.

What we experience and call “anger” is actually the unfolding of a complex series of physical and mental events designed to help us deal with some possible threat or painful experience. When anger arises, our instinctive response is to strike back against the threat or pain, and indeed, the experience of anger is built to help us do that.

Specifically, most emotion researchers agree that anger is made up of a “fight or flight” reaction in the mind and body, combined with an insistent internal narrative of thoughts and beliefs about what might happen next.

Anger is not solid

Have you ever noticed the beautiful display of color and light that appears in the spray of water from a garden hose? We call it a rainbow, but really it's just the name we give to something that arises from elements that are not themselves a rainbow. Sunlight, water, and several other conditions must come together at a particular moment for what we call a rainbow to appear. And when one or more of those conditions changes, the rainbow vanishes.

Anger is similar. It is created by elements that are not anger. Mindfulness practice helps you see these elements and guides you in making choices about what to do with them.

For instance, if you become mindful that anger is arising in you, you could choose to turn your mindful attention to your breath and thus step back from that anger.

Or you could choose to look at that anger more closely. Without self-judgment, you could simply ask yourself, “What feelings and thoughts are present right now?”

Or, being mindful that anger is present in you, you could recognize it as a momentary experience of suffering and thus touch it, and yourself, with kindness and compassion.

Anger, like everything, happens in the present moment. The conditions that cluster together to form the experience of anger arise, change, and pass away, moment by moment. Becoming more fully mindful helps you stay in the present moment, observing how anger arises and disappears in that moment. This makes you less vulnerable to being hijacked by anger, and wiser too.

Working with anger can be as simple (though not always easy!) as becoming mindful of anger when it arises in the present moment. Here are some practice-based ways to help you cultivate this quality.

Pausing to observe your anger

We can be caught in a storm of anger about almost anything. And then it becomes a real challenge to step back and untangle the knot created by the heat of emotion, intense sensations in the body, and rigid thoughts that carry us forward.

Through your natural mindfulness, eventually there will come a moment when you recognize that you are being carried by feelings of anger. In that instant of awareness, knowing how to pause and unwind the tangle of angry reactions, both in mind and body, is important.

There are several effective ways, grounded in mindfulness, compassion, and wisdom practices, to keep from being swept away by anger. Here is one for you to try.

Practice: name the feeling

When you notice that you are feeling angry or irritated, pause and breathe mindfully a few times. Gently direct your attention to your body and the sensations connected to your breathing, or if it helps, deliberately breathe more deeply a few times. Stay present and carefully notice the shifts in sensation with each inhale and exhale.

Name the feeling you are experiencing: “this is anger.” Simply note it. You don't need to get rid of this feeling. Breathing mindfully, whisper its name a few more times: “anger.” What do you notice now?

Understanding your anger

As we learn more effective ways to pause and step back from these intense feelings of anger, we immediately empower ourselves to look more closely at the causes and conditions that are creating and sustaining our feelings of anger and aversion.

Once, during a meditation retreat, I experienced a period of practice filled with such intense anger and violent images that I was genuinely frightened. When I asked my teacher for help, he told me to look more deeply. “Beneath the anger is fear,” he said. “Beneath the fear is a fixed belief. What is the belief that is driving your fear and your anger?”

An approach recommended by both therapists and mindfulness teachers is to ask ourselves whether that frightening belief underlying our anger and fear is actually true. It helps to ask ourselves, “Am I in danger right now? How? Why?”

I call this analysis the “structure of anger,” and I've found this approach very useful for understanding the causes and conditions that support and sustain anger in me. Interestingly, this approach works equally well for anger about terrible external events, like the bombs at the Boston Marathon, or for some irritating episode with a stranger on the street. You simply need to pause and look at the feeling mindfully and deeply, questioning and listening with a spirit of curiosity.

Here is a meditation practice you can use to understand the structure of your anger.

Practice: what is making me angry?

When you notice anger, irritation, or a stronger feeling like rage or hatred arising in you, pause and take a few minutes to become more mindful of it.

Apply steady attention to your body by feeling sensations shift as you move, or subtle inner sensations if you are sitting. Resting your attention on your breath, breathe mindfully a few times, noticing the different sensations as the inhale and exhale come and go in various places in your body.

You don't need to do anything special. Just relax and trust that your attention will notice. Allow yourself to rest in that attention.

When your attention stabilizes and you can feel the sensations of your body or breath more clearly, ask yourself some simple questions while resting in this attention: What is disturbing in this situation? What am I thinking about that is worrying or frightening me? What is making me angry, sad, or disappointed right now?

Practice without judging yourself and without needing to fix anything. Breathing mindfully, bring to your “mindfulness questions” a spirit of curiosity, listening gently to whatever answers your natural intelligence and wisdom produce in response.

Becoming a friend to your anger

Anger is also an expression of aversion and rejection toward the reality unfolding in the present moment. Interestingly, when you look more deeply within yourself, you may discover that other feelings, like irritation, resentment, and annoyance, are also expressions of disgust and discontent with what is happening right now.

It's helpful to bring mindfulness to any of these feelings of disgust or rejection when they arise. You might decide to focus mindfully on one particular expression of aversion. For example, you might decide: “Today I will be mindful of my annoyance when it is with me.”

It's equally important to notice how you feel about having feelings of anger and rejection. Do you get angry at being annoyed or upset? Are you angry at feeling angry?

Beyond sharing a common feeling of disgust and rejection toward some aspect of the present moment, the other thing that anger, contempt, irritation, annoyance, and their cousins share is that when they arise, we suffer.

When you recognize that suffering is present in the moment you feel anger and aversion, you can choose kindness and compassion instead of self-criticism and disgust toward these experiences. Here is a brief practice you can use to explore having more compassion when the pain of anger visits you.

Practice: offering compassion

When you notice feelings of anger or aversion arising within, pause and breathe mindfully. Name the feeling: “anger is here now,” “boredom is here now.” Let them simply remain and observe them deeply.

Breathing mindfully, name them also as suffering: “this is the feeling of suffering.” “Suffering is here now.”

As you feel safe, allow yourself to be gentle with yourself in this moment. Breathing mindfully, trust in your capacity to hold the suffering of anger and ill will, and yourself, with compassion and mindfulness. Do this the way you would be present and extend your compassion to a loved one who was suffering.

Offer yourself compassion with a phrase, silently whispering it as you breathe: “may I be protected and safe.” “May I be calm.” “May this situation teach me about the nature of life.” Listen deeply to whatever response arises. Allow your intelligence and good heart to guide you forward.

Anger, ill will, contempt, and other destructive emotions are part of our human repertoire. We are not failures because we experience these intense feelings. It is how we respond to them when they arise that makes all the difference. Anger and ill will are teachers and opportunities for insight and growth. Meeting these emotions with mindfulness and compassion can guide you toward the lessons they have to offer, and help you find peace amid life's difficulties.

Originally published at mindful.org